Title: Barista 31--Out of the Ordinary
Season: Season 4
Spoilers: Upgrades (403)
Category Gen, Humor
Rating: PG

Author's Notes: I don't think anyone is going to be too surprised at this one. I've been dying to write an 'Upgrades' Barista since I first imagined the series nearly two years ago. Hope you don't find the familiar subject matter/location too redundant! Special thanks to purpleshrub and Sandy for pointing out some rather blatant historical and geographical inconsistancies. I'd like to blame it on the diet coke. Well, that and rushing. ;>

Hello, Colorado! I cannot tell you how wonderful it is to be home. Stefan picked me up from the airport and immediately began to fill me in on all the coffee shop gossip.

"Victor is dating a younger woman," Stefan says scandalously, as he maneuvers his 1992 Honda Accord onto I-25.

"How young?" I ask, absorbing all the sights of the Denver suburbs as we head south towards Colorado Springs.

"If she's a day over twenty-five, I'll date a girl!" Stefan declares flamboyantly. I can't help but chuckle at both his choice of words and delivery style.

"Victor isn't that old, Stefan."

"Are you kidding, Kree?" Stefan asks me aghast. "He's at least 40!"

"Right," I reply dryly, "absolutely ancient."

"So," I say casually, tearing my eyes away from the window. "Did anyone interesting come into the shop while I was gone?" Stefan shoots me a knowing look.

"Well, I could tell you all about Matilda and her latest invisible friend," Stefan pauses as I smile. Mattie is a homeless woman who frequents Victors at least once a week. She will come inside when we're slow, and wipe down all our tables for us. In return, we fill up her thermos with hot coffee and give her all the day old Danishes she can stuff into her pockets. I'd love to be able to find Mattie a home off the streets, but she seems to like it there. Mattie often says that the shelters never seem to have room for her and her friend. Mattie's friend changes usually twice a year.

"But," Stefan says as he signals and moves over into the far left lane, "You want to know about Colonel Sumptuous and Professor Yummy."

"God, you're horrible!" I say laughing. Professor Yummy?

"Be nice," Stefan warns, "or I won't tell you all I know."

"All right, spill." I say turning in my seat to give Stefan my full attention.

"Well, I didn't see the professor for several weeks after you left.."

"He was in the hospital," I explain, interrupting. I had forgotten that Stefan didn't know about that.

"He wasn't getting a sex change or anything, was he?"

"Would you stop it?!" I say giving him a hard slap on his thigh.

"Honey, you need to hit harder than that to get me going.."

"Stefan!" I know he's doing this on purpose, but it still tends to get to me. Or amuse me-I frequently alternate between the two.

"Right," Stefan say continuing his tale. "I didn't see Daniel for several weeks, but that cute colonel stopped by a couple of times." Stefan gives me a semi-scandalous look. "Once, he even had a gorgeous blonde lady on his arm." Gorgeous blonde lady? Jack, dating? Well, I'll be! I think about that for a full minute before it finally hits me - he must be talking about Sam.

Hey! Wait just a gosh-darn second.

On his arm?! Daniel would have filled me in if there was some major romance thing going on between his friends. Wouldn't he have?

"She wasn't really hanging on his arm, was she?" I ask with a mixture of fear and apprehension; Jack and Sam? That was just too weird.

"Well," Stefan says searching for his words, "she wasn't so much as hanging on his arm, as standing right next to him." Ha! I knew it!

"And truth be told," Stefan continued, "she wasn't so much as standing right next to him, as saying something like, 'Sir, I'll take a large coffee' as she headed across the street to the Harley shop." "Stefan, one of these days I'm going to hurt you," I say shaking my head.

"Yeah, but I think I'm safe until after you get yourself your own car!"

After Stefan dropped me off at my apt., I unpacked and did several loads of laundry. I called Victor and told him I was home, and got my work schedule for the following week. I cleaned my room, had a much needed short nap and found myself wide-awake and bored out of my mind at 6:30 pm. Ah, the joys of jet lag.

Most of my friends were either home with relatives or spending the summer gallivanting across Europe or Asia. Although I did take an extra two weeks to see a bit of Israel and Jordan, I didn't really have the time (read: money) to do any serious touring this year. Besides, Victor was counting on me to keep the store in one piece when he went on vacation at the end of the month.

What to do, what to do.

I knew that Stefan was home, but as entertaining as the boy-man is, I wasn't really in a Stefan mood. I was in the mood for sitting down at a nice café someplace and getting to know Colorado Springs again. I considered that cute little place on Union Blvd by the university, but wrinkled my nose up and hastily scratched it off my mental list; I had forgotten about Tom, the bicycle messenger. I really didn't want to run into him again.

In the end, I changed my clothes, put on a little lipstick, and caught a cab to O'Malleys.

Don't ask me why I keep going back to this place. I know I'm usually the youngest person there by 10 years or so-but I only have fond memories of the place, and who knows? Maybe I'll get lucky and run into Daniel or Jack.

I am sitting at the end of the bar, when I hear the waitress delivering her order.

"Twelve steaks for table three, Joe," the waitress says, as she hands over her ticket to the line chef. "Don't look at me like that," she says petulantly, "I got the order right."

"Twelve steaks for three people?" The cook says in disbelief. "Is it even possible to eat that much meat?"

"And get this," the waitress says leaning over the counter, "the chick wants a diet coke!"

"You know, I've heard about this crazy new diet that is heavy on meat, but this is ridiculous!" The cook says as he walks away from the counter.

I'll say! I take a moment and carefully scan the dining area in search of the trio who had placed that order. I was looking for a big-boned family, or hungry-looking Europeans-I couldn't find anyone who fit the bill.

There are eight tables filled in the dining room below. Three had 30-something couples, obviously on dates; two were booths full of boisterous college guys obviously gathering sustenance for a night of binge drinking; two held only one person each, and the eighth table.

Holy shit!

If my eyes are not deceiving me, sitting at that last table, is none other than Jack, Daniel and Sam! Jack's leather-clad back was facing me, but I would recognize that silver hair anywhere. Sam seemed to have grown her hair out a bit, but I am positive, the woman sitting next to Jack was the Major Sam. She is dressed in a dark red turtleneck and black leather jacket and is talking animatedly to Daniel who has on a spiffy beige sweater with a zipper. I can't see Daniel all that clearly, but it sure looks to me like he has been working out this summer. I am so shocked at actually seeing them in the bar, (I mean, come on! What are the odds?) that I have forgotten all about that ungodly large dinner order. The arrival of three plates with three steaks instantly answers the question of who was really into red meat this evening.

Maybe, they had just gotten back from hiking through the Amazon for several days without food or water? Or maybe, they had a bet going on who could eat the most steaks? Whatever the reason is, it is taking all my self control not to stare at them while they eat their dinner.

I forced myself to turn back around and order another drink.

Shortly after it arrives (about 30 seconds later), a rather nice-looking guy begins talking with me. Being a rather weak, hormone driven young woman myself, I quickly became enamored with the soft southern drawl of my new drinking companion (he's from Georgia!) and forget all about my favorite carnivores for nearly an hour. Much to my surprise/delight, Bill (the Georgian) doesn't even drink! I mean, he is drinking, but only soda water with his order of cheese nachos. Bill is an intern at Central C.S. Hospital and is actually on call this evening, hence the abstinence from alcohol. He only moved to Colorado Springs the week before, and was in the midst of checking out the local eateries whenever he got a spare moment.

I'm awfully glad, he chose O'Malleys.

I am just about to be so bold as offer my phone number (work, of course), when Bill's beeper goes off. Giving me an apologetic smile, he places $20 on the bar (far more than his nachos and soda water are worth) and hastily writes down his phone number on the back of a napkin. He hopes I will give his a call when I get a chance.

Oh, yeah. I'll definitely get the chance, Bill. Smiling to myself, I order a second cosmopolitan- and that's when I hear a *very* familiar voice.

"I am not going to arm wrestle you, Daniel." Jack says with humor.

"Why not?" Daniel replies huffily. "Afraid, I'll beat you?" Daniel is totally challenging Jack - what in the blazes has gotten into him? I mean, come on, Daniel might be younger, but Jack has that total, 'I can kick your ass without working up a sweat' air about him. Anyone can see that.

"Not now you can't," Daniel replies smugly.

"Oh, please," Jack begins. I swear I can feel him rolling his eyes.

"Guys," Sam warns quietly placing her hand on Daniel's arm.

"What?!" They both reply simultaneously. I cover my mouth with my hand to keep from laughing aloud. Man, I love eavesdropping on friends when they're drunk! Well maybe not drunk so much as tipsy..

"We're off base." Oh riiiggghhht. The old, 'hush, hush, national security' thing again. Oh lighten up, Sam.

"Ah, give it a rest, Sam," Daniel says, pulling his arm away from Sam, and tugging on his sweater sleeve. "Come on Jack, arm wrestle me," Daniel cajoles. "I promise not to hurt you."

Jack makes a 'ttthhhpt' sound, "As if that'll happen."

"I dunno, Jack-I bet these things put us on pretty even ground."

"I've been using mine longer," Jack replies in explanation.

"So?" Daniel shoots back. "Maybe that'll mean it'll wear off faster."

"Or," Jack continues, "It means I am stronger."

What the hell are they talking about? Viagra?

"You're just scared I'll win," Daniel says.

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am not."

"Guys!" Sam says loudly interrupting the bickering pair. "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you sound?" Sam pauses, and shakes her head slowly as if trying to clear away the cob webs. "Maybe Janet is right." She says in a quiet voice as she plays with the sleeve on her own jacket.

"Probably," Jack says in agreement, taking another drink of his beer. "She usually is about these type of things."

"I'm.." Daniel begins.

"And if you tell her I just said that, I'll have you setting up camp for the next month!" Jack warns.

Daniel opens his mouth again.

"In the dark, Daniel! Without a flashlight! And I'll make you sleep with Teelk after he has chili!"

"You already make me sleep with Teelk on chili nights, Jack!"

I once remarked (only to myself, but I found it amusing), that Jack and Daniel should have their own show. I completely stand by that statement. Before I can figure out who, or what a Teelk is, Daniel announces that he's thirsty and needs to pee. Seriously, Daniel just flat-out announced that he needs to pee!

"I think the waitress is still ticked at us over our order Danny," Jack says jovially as he finishes his shot of whiskey. "You might have to go get the drinks yourself."

"We should probably think about heading back to base, actually." Sam says almost regretfully.

"Oh, I guess so," Daniel agrees standing up. "Do we have the time for one last round?"

"Shots, only," Jack replies. "Then, we had best be heading back." Daniel nods his head in agreement and makes for the bathrooms.

"Don't forget snacks!" Jack calls out. I giggle quietly to myself and wonder how much they've been drinking.

It doesn't take long before Jack starts to fidget in his chair and pick at something inside his sleeve. Itchy cufflinks?

"Carter, you wouldn't happen to have a bobby pin or clothes hanger with you would ya?"

"Sir, have you ever seen me with bobby pins?" Sam says incredulously.

"Wire hanger?" He asks hopefully.

"No." Sam says as if she were talking to a small child. "I left all my hangers underneath all the clothes in my closet. Sir, what's this all about?"

"It itches." I can see Jack squirm as he fiddles with the sleeve of his shirt.

"Colonel!" Sam hisses, as she slaps at Jack's arm. "We're in public!" Riiiggghhht. Because arm scratching is so not allowed in public. Not. Geesh Sam- it's only his forearm.

"I don't care Sam, the damn thing itches." Excuse me? Did Jack just call Sam, Sam?

"Sir!"

"What?" Again with the petulant voice. I could almost be listening to the Jack and Daniel show, except for Sam's presence of course. All three of them sure are acting odd-very unmilitary-ish if you know what I mean.

"Janet is right Sir," Sam says nodding her head in thought. "These things are affecting out judgment."

"Yeah, I s'pose you're right." Jack finishes off his beer and eyes the bowl of peanuts with interest. "Do you think anyone would mind if I emptied that bowl into my pockets?" Jack asked sounding surprisingly serious.

"Yes sir," Sam replied laughing. "I think they'd notice. We'll stop at a convenience store on our way back to the base."

"Snacks! You just can't go wrong with nonstop snacks." Jack says taking another large handful of nuts and throwing them in his mouth. How can he possibly have any room left after that meal of his?!

"Let's grab Danny and head on back." Jack says standing up and putting on his jacket. He picks up his nearly empty pint to take one last gulp.

"Your place or mine?" Sam replies without missing a beat. I swear to God, I nearly fall off my chair. Apparently Jack has a similar reaction.

"Carter?!" Jack exclaims spewing his beer across the floor.

"Gotcha." Sam says giving him a look not unlike the one Helen must have given Paris when she realized her husband (and the Greeks) were coming after her. Whoa! Jack just stares at her slack-jawed while Sam shucks off her leather jacket and picks up a pool cue.

"Whatever happened to finding Daniel and heading home?" Jack asks after gaining a bit of his composure.

"Oh we have time for a quick game." Sam says nodding at one of the guys eyeing her in the corner. He picks up his pool stick and heads towards her. Sam frowns slightly as if remembering something.

"Don't we have time for a quick game, sir?" Sam asks putting the emphasis on the 'sir'. Jack just shakes his head and orders another round of beers.

"Knock yourself out Major." He says clearly amused at seeing his normally calm and collected officer so..cheeky.

Daniel returns with three shots and discovers three more pints of beer waiting for him.

"I take it we're staying?" Daniel asks sitting back down.

"Carter wanted to play a little." Jack said gesturing at Sam.

I watch as Sam plays first one and then a second pool game in quick succession. She is damn good! I know I'm not the only patron in the bar following her rather skillful pool cue. Of course, I'm really watching the game; most of the guys in the bar are watching Sam's ass.

I completely lose track of Daniel and Jack, although I know Sam does occasionally come back to their table to sip her beer. The shots are long since consumed and Jack and Daniel move away from their table in order to watch the pool game better.

By this time the bar is getting pretty crowded, and it's easy for me to move closer to the trio without drawing too much attention. Although my eyes are on Sam, I can still hear Jack and Daniel bickering behind me.

"You're just chicken," Daniel taunts.

"Daniel," Jack explains not nearly as patiently this time, "I might be feeling really good right now, but even I realize that arm wrestling you in public might not be a really bright idea.

Daniel replies by making chicken noises.

"Besides maybe seriously injuring you," Jack explains, "we really might just break a table." He pauses for a moment to let Daniel absorb the comment.

"General Hammond would really be irritated with us if we did that." This time I couldn't cover my mouth in time and let out a strangled laugh.

"Not if we ran out of here really fast."

"Daniel.."

"Really fast Jack."

Before I can make sense of that last statement, I notice that one of the macho guys has challenged Sam to a "friendly" game of pool. Don't get me wrong- the guy in the tan shirt is cute (I'm guessing he's from the Air Force Academy), but even I can see that he's a total player.

"Sure, I'll play you honey," the cute guy says picking up a pool cue. I'm now glad I had moved away from the bar as both Jack and Daniel are walking that way.

I proceed to watch as Sam completely annihilates the competition. It is obvious to me that she is just toying with the guy, and although she does occasionally miss a ball, she always has her next shot set up; Sam is seriously good at pool!

With only two solid balls left, Sam tells her opponent that she will now sink both of those balls and the eight ball in one shot.

"No frickin' way, lady," the guy says.

"Afraid, I'll win?" She asks.

"Not even a little," he replies.

"Want to put a little money where your mouth is?" Sam asks.

"Carter.." Jack says from behind the table.

"What?" Sam replies sharply. "We're off duty, sir."

"Well, technically Carter.."

"Ah, come on colonel," Sam cajoles. "Let me beat the doolie."

"Doolie?" I mumble to myself.

"Slang for first year cadet," a voice replies next to me. It seems I'm not the only one watching their game. I quietly thank the person next to me and continue to watch the pool game play out.

"It's your game, Major," Jack says holding up his hands in defeat, "but after beating this nice young cadet, we really need to get back."

"Deal," Sam says as she leans over the table and takes a look at her shot.

"$40 says you'll miss," the "doolie" guy says.

"You're on," Sam replies, smiling as she watches the cute marine kid place two twenties on the table. Sam takes a small breath, leans over the table, and sinks all three balls in one shot. Wow.

"How the hell did you do that?" Cute cadet guy asks.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Sam replies pocketing the money and walking towards Daniel who is sitting at the bar.

"I think I'll cut my losses," He replies.

"Smart move," Daniel says smiling as he stands up.

"What are you laughing at, you geek?" Not-nearly-as-cute-marine-guy says angrily. Uh oh. I feel it coming before Daniel has even taken one step forward

"Geek?" Daniel repeats as he slowly turns around.

"Geek?" Jack mouths back.

Daniel turns completely around and looks straight at the marine. "Excuse me?" he asks almost politely.

"Let it go," Jack urges from the background.

"No, not this time," Daniel says sounding rather confident.

"Yeah, what are you going to do?" Belligerent-cadet-guy says from the bar. Sam looks at him almost with pity. Two rather large bodyguard-type guys stand up next to Jack, as two more guys position themselves next to Daniel.

"Well," Jack says looking from one guy to another, "this is a cliché." Jack says sighing as he looks at Daniel, who looks back at Jack and cocks his head slightly to one side. Sam gives Daniel an unreadable look as Jack sighs once again as says, "Well, ok." With that, Jack proceeds to toss one of the muscle men across the room. Seriously! And he wasn't the only one!

I must have had more to drink then I thought, because I swear I saw Jack and Daniel tossing 200 pound guys around like they were a sack of potatoes! Sam even got involved when the cute cadet said something to her that resulted in Sam's knocking the guy behind the bar!

Not even five minutes later it was over, but man-oh-man, was there damage at O'Malleys! Jack, Daniel and Sam were "asked" to go with the owner to a back room as the rest of us were left wondering if we had really seen what we had seen. Everyone was talking about what we had just witnessed, and already they had made out my friends to have been on crack or speed or something. What else could explain their obviously superior strength?

What else indeed?

30 minutes later, the military police arrive and take Sam, Jack and Daniel away. Normal cops have been called in as well, and several of us are interviewed as to what we had seen. I made sure to tell the cop who had interviewed me that the other guys had started it.

Well, they had.

Sort of.

I pay my tab, and after making sure I still had Bill, the Georgian Doctor's phone number in my pocket, ask the bartender to call me a cab home. In two days, I start work, and I am already trying to think of ways of bringing up this bar brawl in casual conversation.

As I'm getting into the cab, I think of the perfect line,

"Hi Daniel, beat up any bullies lately?"

Author's Notes: I may not update as often as I like, but they're still fun to read, right?

Completed September 19, 2004