Title: Barista 44 -- The Viewing
Season: Season 5
Spoilers: 0512- Wormhole X-Treme!
Category Humor
Rating: PG-13

Author's Notes: This one is pure (albeit cheesy), unadulterated fun. Enjoy! Oh, and just in case it isn't blatantly clear, I know nothing about the television industry and am totally making all of this up.

"So who'd you sleep with to get this one?" Allison asks, as she settles herself into the overstuffed chair in the corner of the room. Alli used to work at Victor's before she went all high and mighty on us and started her own flower business. I can't wait until I can afford buy her stuff!

"I resent that!" We hear Stefan shout with exaggerated indignation, as he walks into the room balancing a large bowl of chips in one hand and homemade guacamole and salsa in the other. My mouth salivates at the thought of Stefan's guacamole - the man can cook! Or at least jazz up a few avocados.

Stefan really doesn't have a leg to stand on with regards to all of us wondering where the heck he got this television show from. His penchant for dating rather.interesting men has long been a source of much merriment for all.

"So what's the story?" Chris asks, taking a large handful of chips and unceremoniously dumping them in his lap for easy-access munching. Wordlessly, Stefan hands him a plate. Stefan met Chris at school. Shockingly, they both took an instant like to one another in spite of having virtually nothing in common. Chris is Hispanic, built like a linebacker and straight as an arrow. Apparently, the two are inseparable on campus and always do their group projects together. The best part is that because Chris is straight, Stefan's current boyfriend, Elliot, isn't jealous.

"We get to beta-view a pilot television show," Stefan explains, taking a seat between Elliot and me on the couch. Damn. Here I am once again, sandwiched between two gorgeous gay men.

I know! Poor me.

Absently, I think of Kyle and wonder what he would think of all of this. He definitely likes Stefan, but I'm not sure if he would have wanted to come to this. Would I have come if he hadn't? And why am I even thinking of things like this? Probably because I have a sinking suspicion that, he wouldn't have liked it.

But then again, I don't know if I'm going to like it either.

"Beta-view?" Allison asks, wrinkling her perfectly plucked eyebrows. Mine stay like that for maybe three days. I blame it on my rather hirsute Russian ancestry.

"Beta-view," Stefan replies nodding. "We," he begins throwing his arms around Elliot and me, "are a typical American family, testing a television show to see if it's marketable."

All of us burst into laughter. Chris laughs so hard, he nearly chokes. Allison hands him a glass of wine, but he waves it away and heads into the kitchen for a beer. Naturally, he brought his own beer.

"Oh come on,"Stefan grouses, as he looks at our amused faces. "It was the only way I could get the tapes. We're about to see something no one has seen before, isn't that exciting?"

"It could be complete crap," Chris offers coming back into the living room.

"Or it might be another X-Files," I offer. Everyone looks hopeful - we're all big fans of the X-Files, in spite of David Duchovny's dissatisfaction with the show, and what we're certain is his last season. Nostalgically, I think back to when the show really rocked.

"So what are we waiting for," Allison asks as she gets up and grabs the tape from the coffee table. "Let's get this show on the road."

Before the show even begins, we watch several ten, twenty and thirty-second "spots" for the show. 'Wormhole X-Treme!'? Gee, wonder who they're trying to be? I laugh at the opening credits.

"Prepare for an X-treme adventure! Four X-cellent heroes in an X-traordinary new sci-fi series! Starring Nick Marlowe as the wry Colonel Danning." We all laugh as Colonel Danning head buts what I'm sure must be an alien and states, "As a matter of fact, it does say Colonel on my uniform." He then grabs some green alien babe and kisses her senseless. I groan, grab the remote control and hit pause.

"Wasn't Nick Marlowe that guy from that soap?" I ask the room. Oh, aren't I the articulate one?

"Oh yeah," Alli says, nodding her head enthusiastically. "He was a frequent guest-star on 'Night Passions' for nearly two years," she sighs happily. "He so fathered Brooke's baby."

"That was Justin," Elliot interjects rather primly. Ah Elliot - you are such the fag. Oh, I know Stefan is totally gay as well, but usually he just plays the gay card when he's trying to impress or horrify. But Elliot? He's a regular fruit cocktail.

"No way!" Allison disagrees. "Everyone knows he was still trapped in Alaska when she conceived. The baby had to have been Greg's."

"Frozen sperm," Elliot says nodding. "Brooke was artificially inseminated with Greg's sperm."

"I don't believe you."

"I have the whole season on tape and can prove it." Prove it? Who the heck proves soap opera stuff?

"But what.."

"Ladies," Chris interjects, addressing both Allison and Elliot. "Can we please get back to the show?" He shoots me a dirty look and silently warns me not to stop the tape again. I can see how badly he wants to take the remote out of my hands. Before beginning again, I ask one last question.

"Did anyone actually see the word 'Colonel' anywhere on that guy's uniform?" Everyone shakes their heads - you'd think the writers would have caught that one. Or maybe it's the producer's job...

"Kira, quit being so critical!" Stefan chastises. "It's just a TV show." I sigh and hit play again before passing off the remote to Stefan and pouring myself another glass of wine. It's going to be a long night.

I watch as the dashing Colonel Danning (dashing, but short) interacts with some brainy military chick who seems fairly cool. For the life of me, I can't understand what the heck she's talking about, but I bet that's the idea. If what she's saying actually turns out to be real science, I'll betcha Kyle would understand. I am happy that she looks rather "normal" and isn't some gorgeous blonde babe in overly tight clothing whose previous career was modeling lingerie.

Next up in this menagerie of space explorers is Dr. Levant who apparently likes to look all pouty as he whines on about alien rights.

Aliens? //I was kidnapped by aliens//

Everything seems to slow down as I take in Dr. Levant's heart-felt plea to Danning (not that it did any good) and physical characteristics. He appears to be the same height, same build, has nearly the same glasses and even worries his lip in the same way as another Doctor I know.

I blink and quickly look over to Stefan. He just grins at me and shrugs - he sees it too. I know it! Before I can even wrap my mind around what I'm contemplating, I turn back to the TV to hear about Grell the Robot. A robot? Oh, come on!

We watch another five minutes of spots and then the pilot begins.

With half my brain, I listen to how this round ring thing transports people to and from other planets via a wormhole in space. Okay, now that is pretty cool. The show itself is complete sap however, full of slapstick humor and silly plastic props. Very much shades of Star Trek with perhaps a little X-Files thrown in. Colonel Danning is an obvious philanderer with questionable leadership skills; Major Monroe so needs to get laid; and can this Grell-bot even speak or is he only capable of raising that solitary eyebrow.

Ah, but it's the other half of my brain that is critically watching Dr. Levant and recording every mannerism, facial expression and word he says. Throughout the 41 minute show, I keep steeling glances at Stefan. At first, I think he's with me, but later I don't see him wondering why it is that Dr. Levant, an archaeologist and linguist, looks so damn similar to another archaeologist and linguist that we both know.

He's even wearing Daniel's glasses. I swear those are exactly Daniel's glasses.

The show ends and everyone takes a few minutes to stretch, eat and refill their wine glasses (or beer) before we fill out the questionnaire. Apparently, we have to work for this free screening.

I really want to corner Stefan for a few minutes, but he is taking the opportunity to play hostess and although he winks at me, doesn't stop long enough to chat. I steal Alli's chair in the corner as we reconvene.

"First question," Stefan says as he brings out the questionnaire. "On a scale of one to ten (ten being high), how would you rate this television show?"

"Six."
"Five."
"Five."
"Seven."
"Four."

Stefan laughs. "Well, this is going to be an interesting survey, isn't it?" He puts down 'five'.

"Question Two: Who was your favorite character?" Before we all blurt out our answers, Stefan amends the question. "I'm going around the room on that one. Let's start with Alli, and move clockwise." We all mumble our agreement

"Danning." Oh, big shocker there.

"Danning." This from Elliot of all people.

"Major Stacy Monroe," Chris says after a moment's pause. Naturally, the straight guy chooses the babe.

"Kira? Who'd you like best?"

"Guess!" I say a little too loud. I felt like I was underwater.

"We have Kira down for Dr. Levant," Stefan remarks casually, as he ticks off a box on his sheet.

"What about you, Stef?" Elliot asks.

"Oh, I thought Grell was just brilliant." Grell!

"Question Three: On a scale of one to ten (ten being high), was the show realistic?"

"Oh puh-leeze," I blurt out. "The military guys were walking around with giant 'Xs' on their backs!"

"I liked the 'Xs'," Allison says.

"Needed more glitter." This of course was from Elliot. We average our scores to a robust 'four' and move on.

"Question Four: On a scale of one to ten (ten being high), how would you rate the following: Acting, Costumes, Storyline, Special Effects?"

All of agreed that although the special effects in the beginning were a little weak (their wormhole portal was so lame), the ship at the end was wickedly cool. The storyline was interesting, if rather far-fetched (I know, I know - its science fiction). I thought the acting was pretty mediocre and over-acted, but Ellliot, Allison and Stefan loved it. Chris was closer to my camp on that one. All of agreed that the costumes could be better.

"Question Five: Do you believe in aliens?" Four sets of eyes dart in my direction. Apparently, my reputation precedes me.

"Oh come on," I say looking around the room. "This show aside, how can there not be alien life out there?"

"No contact," Chris replies.

"Hey, if I were an alien, I'd leave us the hell alone, too," Stefan adds, coming to my aid.

"Do you think there are flowers in outer space?" Ah, Alli - if there's oxygen, I'm sure there would be flowers and trees.

//Kidnapped by aliens//

It must be the wine.

"All right, last question," Stefan pauses as he reads it, and then bursts out laughing.

"What's so funny?" I ask. Stefan shakes his head and hands me the paper. I read question ten aloud.

"Are you, or anyone you know independently wealthy, or affiliated with a television network looking to host new programs next fall?"

This show is so not going to see the light of day. Although I wonder.

What would Daniel say if I were to show it to him?

More Author's Notes: Cue fade out and X-Files theme music! No, Kira hasn't quite figured it out, but a seed has been planted and you'll just have to wait and see what's in store for her. Thanks to the Yahoo group for painstakingly transcribing all the SG Transcripts to date!

Not to put a crimp on your Barista enjoyment, but I have to remind you all (as if you weren't painfully aware of the fact) that we are less than ten episodes away from Meridian. Now, you know as well as I that the events of that show just might affect Kira. Seeing how I really don't want you to see it coming, I'm going to stop saying which episode I'm writing about (if any). So from here on out, if you have NOT seen all of the episodes of Season 5, beware of spoilers!

Completed July 13, 2005