Title: The Barista- 09- O'Malleys
Category: Humor
Season: 2
Episode related: 201 Serpents Lair

This SO falls into the category of humor.

The Barista
09- O'Malleys

I still can't believe I am actually inside. I mean, it isn't like O'Malleys is a major pick up joint or anything, but it IS an over 21 establishment and here I am sitting comfortably at a bar ordering a White Russian. My first drink at a real bar. I of course tried to look cool.

"Kira!" I turn around to see my friends Lynn and Rachel pushing their way through the crowd.

"You made it!" Lynn says, giving me a big smile.

"Geeze Lynn, can you be more obvious?" Rach replies in a stage whisper. I laugh. See, technically I wasn't supposed to be here yet. Here being a bar. At least not for another 4 months or so.

"You did good with your hair Kira," Lynn says, giving me the once over. Instead of brushing my unruly mop of dark curls into a ponytail, I had decided to wear it down. Makes me look older. Not certain if it was the hair or ID that got me in, but I'm feeling pretty damn proud of myself.

"Come on- show," Rachel insists, accepting a Cosmopolitan and giving the bartender a huge smile. Man, she hasn't even been in the place more than 5 minutes and already she's flirting. I can so learn from this woman!

I take out my ID and Rachel examines it carefully before handing it over to Lynn. The funny thing is, the ID is 100% legitimate, complete with holograms and everything. Real, just not American.

"And they just accepted it as is?" Lynn looks at me in disbelief.

"Sure," I reply, shrugging. "It's a real ID Lynn. Just not a Colorado license." I can see the girls wanted a bit more. I motion them to lean in. "You know my birthday is December 5th, right?" Both nod. "Well, in Europe dates are read day first and then month. So my student ID card from when I lived abroad reads 05.12.1977. To you and me this looks like May 12th . All I had to do was lay on a heavy Hebrew accent and say I don't like going out with my passport." I pick up my glass and drain my drink. "Piece of cake."

They look impressed.

We sit at the bar for another 30 minutes before deciding to take a seat at a table. Who knew? Apparently, White russians give me quite an appetite. Go figure. Right after we are seated, Lynn and Rachel excuse themselves in order to the restroom. I SO understand where guys get the silly idea that women can't go to the bathroom by themselves. Geeze.

I am nursing a new fruity (and alcoholic) drink when I hear a familiar voice directly behind me.

"Where the heck is he?"

Colonel Jack!

"Daniel said he'd be here at 7 Sir. It's only 7:15." Ah, that must be Captain Sam.

"I better call and see if he's ok," Jack says, sounding more than a little worried. To be honest, his tone of voice is starting to freak me out a little as well. Has Daniel been in an accident? Again? I surreptitiously move myself over one chair so I can actually see them a little. Yes, I am spying. Happy?

"Sir," Captain Sam says, placing her hand on Jack's. "I'm sure he's fine and on his way." She gives him a look I couldn't quite decipher.

"Yeah, I know," Jack replies, rubbing a hand roughly across his face. "It's just..."

"I know, sir," Sam answers quietly. The mood that is currently hanging over their table is positively palatable.

"So..." Jack begins, picking up his beer. "What are we celebrating again Captain?" I can't quite tell, but I think Jack is giving Sam one of those enigmatic looks. Sam just chuckles.

"Successful simulation of catastrophic collisions in space," she replies without missing a beat. I nearly spit out my drink. What?!

"Quite a mouthful," Jack says nodding as he takes a swig of his beer.

"Sir, I still say we should have gone to your place for this." Excuse me?! Jack's place?

"Ah lighten up Captain," Jack says, pushing Sam's drink closer to her. "I don't know about you, but I sure worked up a hell of an appetite simulating catastrophic collisions." I swear I can see the quotation marks around that statement. "Doesn't a nice steak dinner sound better than a take out pizza?"

"Yeah it does," Sam admits. "And I am hungry." She pauses for a moment to think. "Can't actually remember the last time I had a decent meal."

"Simulations burn a hell of a lot of calories," Jack deadpans. Sam snorts into her beer.

"You got that right."

A waitress appears at their table to see if they are ready to order. Jack explains how they are waiting for a friend, but in the mean time, he'll have a whiskey.

"Captain?" Jack asks. "A drink?"

"I am drinking sir." Jack waves his hand to indicate that a beer was not considered a real drink.

"Ah come on Carter, we're celebrating."

"I'm fine with my beer, sir."

"Chicken?"

"Excuse me?"

"I'll give you a 2:1 handicap, how's that?" Jack is so goading Sam into drinking with him!

"Sir, are you challenging me to a drinking contest?" Sam asks incredulously.

"Yup." I can see the Colonel's twinkling eyes from here.

"Sir, you really don't want to do this." Sam says looking Jack straight in the eye. Jack doesn't back down.

"2:1 Carter. Good odds."

"You might surprise yourself and lose sir," Sam suggests. "I know how to hold my liquor."

"Prove it." Jack replies, draining his beer. I can see a myriad of thoughts flashing through Sam's mind. She tilts her head slightly with a 'what the hell' attitude and turns back towards the waitress.

"Jack Daniels. Neat."

"Now you're talking Carter!" Jack beams.

"This really is not a good idea, sir," Sam tries one last time. "But like you said, we're celebrating."

"Damn straight!"

I see my friends exiting the restroom and quickly move myself back to my original location. My eavesdropping comes to an abrupt end as a group of rather loud (and cute) college guys are seated on the other side of our table. Ah well, probably for the best. We order our food and I soon forget about Colonel Jack and Captain Sam. The conversation at our table has shifted towards the physical attributes of the hunky boys across from us. Always a pleasing conversation.

We had just started eating when I hear his voice. Daniel's that is.

"Hi guys." Dang! My back is still turned - I can't see a damn thing.

"Space monkey!" Jack says a bit too loudly skootching his chair backwards. I take a quick glance behind me and see Jack pulling Daniel into a big bear hug. He's grinning like he's just discovered his long lost brother. I can't help but smile as I quickly turn back around towards my friends; they're watching the scene as well.

"Ah Jack?" Daniel says sounding a bit embarrassed. "Public place? Oxygen needed?"

"Oops sorry Danny." I hear the sounds of chairs moving.

"So," Daniel begins. "What's with all the empty glasses?"

"Colonel 'Great Idea' here challenged me to a drinking contest." Sam explains, slurring her words ever so slightly. "I'm winning!"

"Are not."

"Am too."

"Are.."

"I see," Daniel interrupts, nearly laughing. My friends are smiling widely. Daniel and his friends are quite entertaining.

"You sure that's such a good idea Jack?"

"Absolutely!" I hear the sound of a glass hitting the table. He probably just finished his drink.

"After all, it isn't everyday you..." He pauses, searching for the right words. "Help me out here Captain."

"Successfully stimulate a catastrophic space collision," Sam supplies. Jack guffaws loudly.

"You said stimulate!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"I get the idea," Daniel says drolly. As I listen to them banter back and forth I can't help but wonder about that 'catastrophic space collision'. Last night there had been two huge flashes of light high over the western hemisphere. No one was quite certain what had happened but there was a lot of speculation. I had heard everything from asteroid collision to alien invasion. I wonder if Cheyenne Mountain had anything to do with it?

The college boys suddenly get much louder and our focus turns away from Colonel Jack, Sam and Daniel and over towards the hunks across the room. As entertaining (and cute!) as I find Daniel and Jack, they are NOT guys I can seriously date or anything; college seniors are much more attainable.

It is at least an hour (and two drinks later) when I found myself staggering upright towards the bathroom. Unlike my two friends, I don't need a buddy when I head to the loo.

"Get us a pitcher of beer on the way back Kira!" Lynn calls over her shoulder. I nod. Beer. Right. I think perhaps I shall stick to water from this point forward. I was wasted.

I have just managed to squirm my way up to the bar when I literally ran into him. Him of course being Daniel.

"Oops. Sorry Daniel."

"Know you?" Daniel asks looking at me blankly. I think he meant to say 'Do I know you?' I guess Daniel has played a little catch-up in the alcohol consumption department - he's completely smashed. And I should know!

"It's me Daniel. Kira. From the coffee shop?" He looks at me critically for several moments before a smile creeps across his face. Recognition.

"Kira!" He shouts, giving me a big hug and lifting me up into the air. Whoa. Daniel-hug. The guy is a hell of a lot stronger than he looks. And he's wearing a thin shirt. A shirt so thin I can actually feel the muscles on his chest and arms. Oh god, he's just supplied fantasy fodder for the next week.

"Hey Daniel." I squeak out. Just don't drool Kira. No drooling. He puts me down.

"Whatcha doing here?" He asks.

"Drinking?" When in doubt, go with the simpliest solution.

"Me too!" He says tappinig his chest. I laugh. Daniel suddenly reaches out and touches my hair. He quickly snatches his hand back.

"I like your hair," Daniel explains, staring at me, lost in thought.

"Thanks." Is Daniel coming on to me? I mean it is one thing for me to worship him from afar, but I'm not really prepared to have him actually LIKE me.

"Sharay has hair just like yours." Sharay? Who's that? Funny sounding name.

Before Daniel can explain I spy Jack's tall figure coming towards us. Dressed in jeans and a t-shirt he looks nearly as delectable as Daniel. I really should stop thinking these things.

The last time I had seen Colonel Jack, he'd been well on his way to drunkenness, but he appears to be walking without any noticeable sway. Guess the guy can hold his liquor. Wonder how Captain Sam was doing....

"Daniel!" Jack calls, as he approaches his friend from behind.

"Look Jack, it's Kira!" Daniel says gleefully as he 'introduced' me.

"Hi Kira!" Jack says cheerfully. He might be intoxicated, but he definitely isn't drunk. Not like Daniel. Oh, that man was so going to hurt in the morning. I open my mouth to say hi when suddenly Jack whips his head back around and looks me straight in the eyes.

"Kira?" He asks pointedly. "Are you really 21?" Uh oh. Jack is a Colonel in the United States Air Force. I think he might be able to arrest me or something.

"Uh, yes?" Can't hurt to try, right?

"Hmmm." Jack continues to stare at me with those VERY penetrating eyes of his. Whoa.

"You here by yourself?"

"With friends."

"Male or female?" It suddenly occurs to me that I am being interrogated. Wow.

"Female."

"So you're not slobbering all over some pimply-faced, hormone infested goon?" Jack asks still serious. I can't help it- I laugh. I suddenly realize what the Colonel is doing. He's acting like a dad.

"Nope," I say shaking my head. Not tonight anyhow...

"Taking a cab home of course." He says this as a statement, not a question.

"Yes Sir," I say giving him a salute. Cheeky Meyers. Very cheeky. Jack smiles.

"Good!" He turns his attention back towards Daniel.

"Carter just called the cabs, Daniel."

"Look Jack!" Daniel says, patting Jack's hand to get his attention. "Kira has hair just like Sharay's," He stares at my head intensely with a vacant gaze. The guy is a million miles away.

"Ah Danny," Jack says sounding a bit sad. "Tonight you're supposed to be a happy drunk, not a melancholy one."

"Not melon.. melank.." Daniel slaps his hand down on the bar and shakes his head. "Not sad Jack." And it's true. He doesn't really look sad, just drunk and a little thoughtful. Still don't know who this Sharay person is though.

"Ah, gotta ask guys," I look from one to the other. "Who's Sharay?"

"My wife." Daniel says simply. Jack frowns.

"Ah, it's complicated Kira," Jack says hoping to change the subject. He can see the shock written all over my face.

"Ya don't look a thing like her Kira," Daniel explains, leaning in closer to me. He smelled like beer and aftershave. Nice aftershave.

"But your hair..." He reaches back out to touch my hair and Jack quickly grabs his hand and guides it back down towards the bar.

"Daniel, we gotta go hook back up with Carter."

"Ok." Daniel says amicably. They stand up to go.

"Kira, you make sure you take a cab home, ok?" I nod. "Alone." I again give a sloppy salute.

"Yes Sir Colonel Dad, sir." Somewhere in the back of my mind I realize I have just called Jack 'dad'. Oops. Jack just grins.

"G'night Kira," Daniel calls, giving me a small wave as Jack leads him through the crowd towards the door. I can see Sam leaning against the wall waiting for them. Idly I wonder who won their drinking contest.

I smile to myself and shake my head as I order another pitcher of beer. I have decided I like this pub. I was definitely going to return to O'Malleys again.

Just as soon as I turned 21.