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Title: The Assistant 04 - The Rules of Ascension Notes: Okay, so it has taken me over four years to write this, but here's my take on Ascended Daniel. For the most part it's in the "present", but you might catch glimpses of events that have yet to happen – Ascension time isn't quite the same as our time after all. ;). I remember feeling the pain, the horrible agony as the cells within my body began to die. I remember seeing the anguish on Janet's face, and hearing the sorrow in her voice when she told me that this time she couldn't save me. I remember talking with Jack. I remember asking him to tell Jacob to stop healing me. I remember saying goodbye. And then... And then I found myself...Here. I'm not really sure how much time has passed since I left Jack standing by the Stargate, but it feels like an impossibly long period of time. Was I in some sort of limbo perhaps? A cosmic waiting room prior to ascending to... To Here. I might have known thirty-some odd languages on Earth, but none of them can accurately describe what it is I'm seeing, or rather experiencing all around me. It's like knowing, instantaneously, all the answers on Jeopardy before Alex Trebec has even asked the questions. Although I just can't describe what it is, I'm fairly certain I know what it is not. This isn't heaven. I honestly don't know what I envisioned heaven to be like, but I know this can't be it. Definitely no pearly gates, but more importantly, my Sha're isn't here waiting for me. It wouldn't be heaven without Sha're. A feeling of sadness washes over me and then, inexplicably, it is gone. Here is incredible. But not being able to put all this into words is maddening. I find myself struggling to try and reconcile the sounds, colors, knowledge of everything around me and then... And then the feeling is gone and I am just experiencing. Time passes. I'm aware that on some grand, cosmic level, time is passing, yet I'm unaffected. I'm content. I'm not the least bit curious as to what I have left behind. And then suddenly, I am. God, I am! I'm filled with such an intense yearning to see my friends, the desire to return to the SGC is so profound, that without conscious thought I suddenly find myself back in my lab. It takes a moment to realize that this is not a dream; I'm really here. I can see Sam slumped over a corner of my desk, her arms holding tightly to one of my journals. I can hear the sounds of the base around me. I take a step toward her; Sam stirs, and then... And then in an eye blink, it all vanishes. I look around and find myself back Here. "What happened?" I ask aloud. Usually we don't do a lot of outloud talking up here. I'm not all that surprised when Oma answers. "You cannot return to your past, Daniel." "I know that," I say more sharply than I intend. "I just wanted to make sure Sam was okay." "Distant water won't quench your immediate thirst." Surprisingly, I know exactly what this means. "I'm not dead,"I reply with authority. "There's no reason why I can't visit my friends." "They have their journey, you have your own." "They're in pain,"I reply softly. "I want to go to them." "You won't help shoots grow by pulling them up higher."I close my eyes in sorrow as I take in Oma's wisdom. I understand. It might make me feel better to help my friends, but it won't necessarily help them; all of us have to learn to live without. Oma gives me a small smile. "It will become easier, Daniel." "I can never return?" "Someday,"Oma replies. "Someday when the pain is not as fresh, when your own journey is more pronounced, you will be able to return. For now, the bonds that allowed you to escape your home are the same ones that now prevent you from returning." "I miss them,"I whisper. "You always will,"Oma answers. "But it will fade, and you will find that there are other ways to help your friends – to help yourself." I return to Here and think about this for some time. Time passes. Each moment is filled with such wonder and novelty, that I find myself going days – perhaps weeks, without thinking of what I left behind. It isn't that I'm ‘happy' per se, more like 'at peace'. I am certain I made the right choice. I am back Here, listening and observing, when I hear the sound of someone crying. Without conscious thought, I once again find myself back on Earth, back in Colorado Springs. Before me, sitting listlessly on a swing, is my former barista, and would-be protégé, Kira Meyers. My heart breaks for her. After knowing me for over five years, she is finally let in on the big Stargate secret only to… Only to hear about my death.This isn't right. "I have to go to her," I say aloud, knowing that Oma will inevitably show up to tell me why I mustn't; this time, I'm prepared. This is not where I ‘died', the rules don't apply. "You know this is not possible, Daniel," Oma says softly from my side. "It is not good for you to remain like this." "Like what?" I ask, trying not to raise my 'voice'. "It's wrong of me to feel for my friends? To want to help them?" "Daniel, Oma begins patiently. "We have been through this before.." "Yes, but Kira is not SGC," I quickly reply. Before Oma can interject, I hastily continue. "I mean, not yet anyways." I point towards Kira. "She thinks I'm dead." Oma looks at the sad young woman before us and sighs. "But what good are you seeking, Daniel?" "I can help her," I insist. "Look, I know this might not be normal, or playing by your unwritten Ascension rules, but I know I can help her!" Oma doesn't look convinced. "I was the one who brought her into my world, Oma." I say pointing towards where my heart would be if I were in human form. "I was the one who convinced her to work with me at the SGC. This poor woman is now left with a momentous decision as to whether or not to work there, and I'm certain no one has told her anything! She doesn't know about my ascension! My ‘death' shouldn't be the catalyst that forces her to look elsewhere." I take a breath and mentally cross my fingers. I know Oma has the power to prevent me from visiting Kira. Oma looks at me for several long moments before bowing her head. "Very well," she says. "You may go to her, Daniel. You may spend some time listening to young Kira and helping her make sense of your ‘death'. You may not," Oma admonishes, "tell her about your Ascension. The moment she believes you to be ‘real', you will vanish." "I understand," I reply, nodding as best as I can. A moment later, I am sitting beside Kira on the swingset. And listening. It takes nearly a week before I sense that Kira has said everything she needs to say. In the end, once I knew that she was going to be fine and that she would definitely start work at the SGC, I even told her I was ‘real'. I'm not certain if it's because she is sensing that I am more than a ghost, or if it is just time for me to go, but I suddenly feel the pull to return. "I have to go, Kira," I say quickly as I begin to lose the ability to appear solid. "Existing and talking at the same time is really much harder than it looks." I try to say this casually, but the strain of staying with her to say goodbye is becoming increasingly difficult. "I'm going to miss you, Daniel!" Kira cries. Her eyes fill once again with tears, and I wish more than anything that I could give her a hug. "Talk to Jack, Kira," I manage to whisper before I disappear completely. I return to Here, content that I had just done something very, very good. It is Cassie that shows me the Ascension loop hole. One moment I'm one with the Cosmos, enjoying all the knowledge available before me, happy and content in my existence as an Ascended being. I was not thinking about the SGC, or any of the friends I left behind. I know I wasn't. But then, without warning, I'm suddenly standing in Janet Fraiser's kitchen, watching in horror as Cassandra Fraiser topples from a countertop and knocks herself unconscious. I don't actually see her climb the kitchen counter in order to reach the spare light bulbs, but I know that was what she was doing. Just as I "know" she had lost her grip on the shelf due to a leaky bottle of olive oil. I appear just nanomoments after her fingertips lose contact with the shelf and she falls, hitting her head with a loud crack against the side of the sink. She cries out and is still. Normally, I would be terrified that such a fall might have resulted in a serious injury, but I "know" that she's going to be okay. It isn't that I'm omnipotent, because I'm certain I'm not - but at the same time, there are still some things I just know. Cassie is going to be just fine; a nasty concussion perhaps, but as long as she doesn't lose consciousness, she will recover. I just needed to keep her awake until help arrives. I really need to keep her awake. "Cassie," I say loudly, as I take a step forward and kneel beside her. I might have difficulties maintaining a corporeal form at the SGC, but right now I'm not having any problems. Or maybe I am, but I'm just too worried about Cass to think about it. "Cassandra," I repeat a bit louder, really wishing I could give her a little shake, "you need to wake up." "Daan-il?" she whispers, eyes scrunched tightly in pain. "I'm here, Cass. I know it hurts, but I need you to stay awake for me, okay?" "Yer dead," Cass whispers again, clearly not believing that I'm actually here. Although, I guess if I were to think about it, I guess I'm not – more like an interactive ghost. "Not dead, ascended," I explain as if she might understand the distinction. "Missss yooouu," Cassie sighs, slipping back into a brain-injured sleep. "Cassandra," I say sharply into her ear. "Wake up!"
"Cass, I know it hurts, but I need you to do something for me." "Tired..." Cassie begins, slurring a bit again on the end of the word. "I know you are honey, but you need to call your mom for me." I wish like anything that I could do it for her. "Mom..?" "Yes, Cass," I say, lowering my voice in volume to prevent her any undue pain. "Call your mom. Your cell phone is in your right pocket." Thankfully, Cass had landed on her left side, so her phone was undamaged and readily accessible. "Daniel," Cassie mutters again as she begins to drift back to sleep. "..miss you, dan-iel..." "Cassie, you can't fall asleep!" I say sharply. "Call your mom." "Mom..?" "Yes, Cass, call your mom." If I had had breath to hold, I would be doing so right now. I watch as Cassie begins to move her right arm slowly towards her pocket. Painfully, she reaches inside and grasps the small black object. Never before had I been so thankful for the creation of the cell phone. Cassie flips it open, brings the phone slowly up to her chest and then....stops. "Your mom, Cass," I urge. "Call your mom. Tell her you fell and hit your head. Tell her you need help." "Daniel?" I hear fear and confusion in her voice. "Call your mom," I repeat. With painstakingly slow movements, I watch as Cass brings the phone up to her face and carefully opens her eyes just a fraction to see the keys. She lets out a small sound of pain at the light, but succeeds in pressing "2". Using first her throat and then her neck, Cass pulls the phone up towards her ear. I can tell by her body language, that the sound of the ring tone is excruciating; I wish I could do more to help her! All I can do is will the person on the other end to pick up the phone. I think if Janet were anywhere but the SGC, I just might have been able to "pop over" and see what she was doing. I probably wouldn't be able to do anything to get her to the phone, but I would at least know if I needed to get Cassie to dial someone else. I have no idea if it would work, but I "feel" like I have the ability to go anywhere. Except the SGC. I refuse to feel frustrated, and concentrate on Cassie. "Fraiser," Janet answers crisply into the phone. I'm thankful, if a little surprised to discover that she is in her office. Guess SG-1 is away on a mission. Or maybe she just has plenty of free time now that I'm...not there. "Mo-om," Cassie whispers tearfully into the phone. "Cass?" Janet must be hearing the pain in Cassie's voice, for instantly she changes her tone from concerned to worried. "Honey, you don't sound okay, are you all right?" "Fell," Cass explains, beginning to cry in earnest. "...hit my head." There is a noticeable pause, and through Cassie's phone, I hear background voices from Janet's office – I'm guessing she is signaling others for help, maybe getting someone to dial 911. "I'm tired, mom..." I notice Cassie's fingers loosening their grip on her phone. "Stay awake!" Both Janet and I order at the same time. Cassie jerks with the sound of our voices and I see her fist tightening once again on the telephone. "Cass, baby, I need for you to stay awake, okay? It's really
important that you stay awake and talk to me." Janet is using her
best 'you've been seriously injured, but I'm here and
you're going to make it' voice. "Daniel?" Janet asks, sounding even more worried. Concussion victims might forget things, but they usually don't hear voices from people who aren't actually there. Except I really am. "Dan'l won' lemme sleep either," Cassie complains. "You listen to Daniel, honey," Janet answers in a dulcet voice, clearly humoring her daughter. I'm certain she is thinking that she would worry about Cass' hallucinations later, the most important thing to do right now was keep her awake. "...coming home?" "I'm on my way to you right now, Cassandra," Janet says. "I'm going to stay with you on the phone until help arrives, and then I'll meet you at the hospital okay?" "...not home?" Cassie clearly doesn't understand that she has had a serious fall and needs to be in an Emergency Room. "You need a doctor, honey," Janet says. "...you doc." "You need a doctor immediately, Cassandra," Janet explains. "It'll take me at least thirty minutes to get to you, and you need to be treated right away." "...tired." I can hear the bone-weary tiredness in Cassie's voice and knew she was holding on to consciousness by a thin thread. I hope the ambulance will be here soon. "I know, baby," Janet says tenderly. "You can rest soon, okay? But please try and stay awake for me..." "'n Daniel," Cassie adds. "And Daniel," Janet agrees. "Stay awake for me and Daniel, okay?" "'k." Seconds tick by as Cassie begins to slip back asleep. I'm about to call out her name again, when Janet beats me to it. "Cassie!" Cass' hand twitches on the phone. "..'m tired, mom." "Just a little bit longer, baby." I wish Janet was here to see what I was seeing; Cassie didn't have a little bit longer. I hadn't even figured out what I was going to do next if Cassie fell asleep, when I hear the sounds of an ambulance. "Ambulance, Cassie," I whisper. "What did you say Cassie?" Janet asks. I know she must have overheard something, but I'm really hoping she doesn't recognize my voice. "...mbulance." The siren grows louder, and I mentally let out a sigh of relief as professional help arrives. "They're here, Cass," I whisper again. "You did a great job at staying awake." The siren abruptly stops and I hear the sounds of doors opening. "...daniel says I d'good.." Cassie mumbles into the phone. "Daniel's right baby, you did great. Let the EMTs help you and I'll meet you at the hospital." "k." Outside, I hear the crunching of the gravel as the emergency workers approach. It's time for me to leave. "I have to go now, Cass," I whisper into Cassie's ear. I see Cassie nod slightly and am glad her eyes are still closed. After all this is over, maybe she'll just think this was all a dream. "...m' miss you." "I'm going to miss you too, Cass." I try to reach down and brush my fingertips across her forehead, but it doesn't work. I feel momentarily sad, as I hear the EMT workers open the front door and then... And then I'm back Here. Time passes. I realize that I am enjoying Ascension. I really am. I learn that it's perfectly okay to keep subtle tabs on my friends, as long as I don't do it overtly. I also learn that it's purely instinctual for me to go to their aid if they are in serious danger, and that I'm not stopped as long as I don't interfere with the natural order or outcome of events. I am occasionally stopped for stepping over the line, but I do and will continue to try. Oma says that in time I will stop needing to visit, but I don't really believe it. I can't imagine leaving all my friends permanently. Oma says I will learn. I do learn. I learn that if I become lighter than air itself, I can, every now and then, visit the SGC. I learn that the bonds that prevented me from visiting in Corporeal form, don't necessarily apply to the non-corporeal. I'm particularly fond of "haunting" the elevator shaft between Level 27 and 28. Here, I can "see" and listen to my friends without making my presence known. On occasion, I might be a little more overt. I watch as SG-1 (minus me) runs into General Hammond near the elevator. They seem relaxed, happy to have rescued Thor and kicked a little Goa'uld butt. I take a breath and blow. "What was that?" Sam asks, as she stops in her tracks. Teal'c stops as well and looks around. "Perhaps a malfunction in the ventilation shaft?" "Yeah, that's probably it," Jack replies to Teal'c, not looking like he quite believes it himself. I see the look in Jack's eye; I think he's guessing that it was me! Sam turns back towards General Hammond. "Bye, sir, have a good night." Together, my former teammates walk towards the elevator. I watch as first Sam and then Teal'c walk inside. I can't resist. Right before Jack joins them, I concentrate with all my might and produce the biggest gust of air that I can. Jack's hair goes willy-nilly and he enters the elevator with a huge smile on his face. I'm going to like Ascension just fine. More Authors' Notes: Now before you all email me to tell me that I have the chronology all wrong, remember, I did say that time is funny for an Ascended being. We really don't know all the nuts and bolts of being Ascended, so I thought I'd play with it a little. Creative license! ;). Thanks to Wiki's Stargate transcripts for the Meridian assistance, and this site for the Chinese proverbs. Additional thanks to Julia for reading early drafts and offering advice. Please let me know what you thought of this! I know this story was written in an unorthodox voice. My next story will feature Kira in a solid (no more "pre") Season 6 tale. Written April 17, 2006 Home |Series Home | Previous Chapter | Next Chapter |