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Title: The Assistant 03 - Goa'uld 101 Notes: Sorry this has taken me nearly a month to get to you. I have yet to show Kira actually working with people, or introduce her to more of the base, but I'll get there. Promise! You know, when Daniel and Jack first pitched the SGC to me, they really made it sound much more…exotic. I mean, I wasn't exactly expecting Star Trek with 'beaming' technology or anything (although, that would be so cool!), but it would be nice to meet a Klingon or something a little more alien'ish. The only alien I've met so far is Teal'c, a guy I thought was an ex-college football player or at the very least, a regular patron at Gold's Gym. I definitely didn't imagine him to be an alien with a big honkin gold tattoo on his forehead and a fondness for Pigs in a Blanket. I'm now having strange dreams about E.T. kicking the winning field goal at the Super Bowl while eating pancakes. So instead of hobnobbing with aliens (something I would really like to do), I find myself sitting in an underground silo learning how to recognize the Stargate glyphs for Earth. If this were a historic seminar, I would find it fascinating and probably be asking a zillion questions. But this isn't a course on cultural theory; it's about real life survival. Kind of makes it a bit scary. Forget learning about which berries are edible; in this course, I'm learning what glyphs to push, just in case I find myself trapped alone off world and need to 'dial' home. This isn't exotic – it's surreal! Daniel had mentioned that I would spend my first couple weeks at the SGC participating in training, but (silly me) I thought he meant military training; I had no idea that I would be attending SGCU with a dozen new military recruits and some civilian scientists. I keep bouncing back and forth between being completely awed and thrilled at all of this, and wondering just what I have gotten myself into. The worst part is not being able to share any of this with my friends. Stefan would have kittens if he knew half of what I'm learning, and it kills me that I can't share it with him! I might not have met my aliens yet, but I do know that roughly 65% of SGC personnel are single, over 40% divorced and 10% live with their parents. The odds of staying married to someone not working at the SGC or in another branch of the military that knows about the Stargate program, are less than 10%. Ouch. And then there's the gossip! I thought high school gossip was bad, but it doesn't hold a candle to the stuff going around Stargate Command. The civilians gossip about the military, funding sources, and the latest technology coming through the gate. The military gossip about assignments, other military personnel, and nursing rotations. And both sides participate in utterly ridiculous betting pools. How many times will Sergeant Harriman say, "Chevron Seven Locked!" in a given week; how often will Siler end up in the Infirmary; and the current favorite: how many people will SG-1 go through before Jack's satisfied with Daniel's replacement? There's a lot of quiet talk about Daniel and Jack. At first I was worried, as their names were frequently mentioned in conjunction with one another. But even if I had been completely fooled by their relationship, I was certain Stefan would have picked up on the 'Gay vibe' and clued me in. Later I heard yet more gossip surrounding Jack and Sam of all people! I truly doubt those two are spending their off-duty hours making out on General Hammond's desk. My thoughts are interrupted as Dr. Roget turns away from glyphs (after assigning us on-base homework no less) and onto some actual alien words. Unconsciously I sit up straighter – now we're getting to the good stuff! This is what I've been waiting to learn about since I've arrived. "Knock, knock," I hear a familiar voice say. I cover my mouth with my hand to hide the grin. I was deluding myself when I imagined Jack would be more "proper" at work; if anything, he's even more sarcastic. "Colonel O'Neill, what an unexpected surprise." Dr. Roget is nothing but solicitous, but I can tell that he isn't especially thrilled about having his "class" interrupted. "I thought you weren't due to come and talk to us until tomorrow." Tomorrow's the day we get to hear a little Stargate military history. In the past, it has always been Daniel who has given the uninitiated a history of the Stargate and the SGC (and always on the first day), but they changed the order around a bit after Daniel…died. Although we have been told the basic story (and one I'm really dying to ask Jack about for more details – I can't believe it was actually he and Daniel who went through the gate that first time!), we haven't heard any good battle stories yet. It's that anthropologist within – I want to hear stories. I'm dying to hear how SG-1 defeated Apophis! Er…at least I think it was SG-1. I've been told that it was Jack and his team that defeated Apophis by blowing up a sun. I mean, it sounds crazy, doesn't it? That's the problem with gossip – you never really know if it's true until you get to ask the source. "I know, I know, "Jack begins, casually walking into the room and stepping behind the podium. "But I couldn't resist giving the Fingies here a few linguistic pointers." Dr. Roget frowns. I'm not sure if he's troubled by Jack's use of military slang for 'new guys', or the notion that a Colonel was going to try some Goa'uld words out on us. Maybe Jack doesn't have a very good accent? "Hi kids," Jack says giving us a grin. "How do you like the SGC so far?" "The food sucks," one of the new military guys blurts out from the back. We all laugh. "It's better than offworld rations," Jack replies, giving us a shrug. "And the chocolate cake here is to die for." He pauses for a second and meets my eye. He cocks his head just slightly and smiles in a way that makes me think he's doing it for me – which is silly and pollyannish I know, but I still get all glowy on the inside. We never really talked about it, but both of us kind of decided to be…aloof with one another while on base. I mean, it isn't like Jack isn't friendly to most people he knows, but unless we're alone (which sounds awfully creepy when I say it like that, doesn't it?), we're just cordial to one another. Well, at least that's how it's been so far. I think Jack is concerned about showing favoritism – kinda like a dad whose kid comes to work in his office. Truth be told, I like the idea of my "making it" on my own without Jack as well. Still, at the end of the day, he isn't my dad and we are friends, something I think I'll try to keep from Dr. Gussman as long as I can – that guy has an unhealthy fascination with SG-1. I sure hope it doesn't rub off on any of the physicists on Level 21. "Right!" Jack begins, rubbing his hands together. "Time for Goa'uld 101. I'm going to be filling you in on a few choice words and phrases, and sometime later this afternoon, my man Teal'c will drop by and help all you scientists on the pronunciation." "Not the military?" A guy in the back asks. I know if I turn around, I'll be able to tell instantly if he's military or civilian, but I don't want everyone to stare at me if I do, so I'll just leave it to my imagination. Military. "Nope," Jack says shaking his head. "All you grunts get to come with me and learn everything you ever wanted to know about zats." "Zats?" I ask, interested. "Zats!" Jack repeats, giving a decisive nod. "It's short for zat-nickle or something like that. Ask Teal'c – he'll tell you all about it." "Yes, but what is it?" I ask again. "Are you always so inquisitive?" Jack asks impishly. I tell myself not to blush, but of course fail miserably. "Sometimes," I mumble, sinking lower into my chair. I'm so going to get you for this Jack O'Neill! "Well, inquisitiveness is a good thing around here, so no need to be embarrassed," Jack says with authority. "In fact, we probably wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for the inquisitiveness of scientists and…" Jack pauses as he attempts to come up with the perfect word. "Geeks!" he finally says, triumphantly. I don't think that was the word he should have used, but he made his point. Somewhere, I'll bet Daniel is rolling his eyes; come to think of it, I'm certain if Sam were around, she'd be as well. "Right," Jack says again, rubbing his hands together. "Let's begin!" There's a rustle from the room as people pull out notebooks and pencils. Ha! So much for leaving school behind. "Ah, you don't need any of that," Jack insists with a dismissive wave. "I'm only going to teach you a few of them, you'll learn more in detail in the next couple of days." A few people put down their pencils, but most of us keep them handy. With an air of authority (and let's face it, he does have it), Jack begins. "First things first," Jack says as he starts pacing. "Does anyone know the Goa'uld word for Stargate?" "Why would we want to know that?" One of the scientists from the front row asks. "I mean, it isn't likely that we would become lost and ask a Goa'uld for directions." Knowing I'm behind the guy, and thus can't be seen, I give in to the temptation to roll my eyes. I know most everyone in this room is super smart, but for geniuses, some of these guys are idiots. "Well," Jack says exaggerating his words. "It seems that the majority of the human populations of the galaxy were actually brought through Stargates by the Goa'uld. And seeing how the humans learned the word for Stargate from the Goa'uld, it's a pretty handy phrase to know." He looked smug. "Just in case you get lost and need to ask the locals for directions." A few of us chuckle (quietly). "The word is chappa'ai." We repeat 'choppa-eye' and Jack corrects us. "No, don't try and make the syllables into something you recognize – just listen to how I say it. "Chappa'ai." We repeat it again and this time Jack nods. "Now if a Jaffa ," he pauses and wrinkles his forehead a bit, "you guys do know that the Jaffa aren't the enemy right?" I think most of us nod. "It's the Goa'uld who are the enemy, not the Jaffa . Unfortunately, if you get into trouble, it's usually the Goa'uld's Jaffa warriors who are there to sneer at you and try and soften you up for their 'Gods'". He says "Gods" holding up two fingers and making quote signs. "Some of these guys aren't very nice," Jack explains pacing a little at the front of the room. "And if you happen to find yourself grossly outnumbered and surrounded and manage to hear a Jaffa or two yell Shel-norak! It's probably a good idea to lower your weapons and surrender." We repeat Shel-norak a few times and this time it's Jack that struggles not to laugh. "We'll work on that later," he manages to say somewhat judiciously. "Next up is an oldie but goodie." Jack's eyes twinkle with obvious merriment and I'm both curious and a little afraid of what's to come. "But before, I teach you this one..." he pauses and walks in my direction. "Ms. Meyers, is it?" Oh Lord, what is he going to do now? "Yes, Colonel O'Neill," I reply primly. Jack had better watch it. While it's true I don't want any favoritism, I also am not all that keen on being someone's joke. "Your first name is Kira, is it not?" What the heck is he doing? "Yes, Colonel, my first name is Kira." As if he hasn't known that for years. "And by any chance do you happen to have any say..." he pauses. "Nicknames?" Like an electric shock it hits me. I'm about to find out why it has taken (literally) years for Jack and Daniel to hear my name without flinching. Neither of them have ever called me by it. "Why yes, Colonel O'Neill, I do," I reply with just the right level of inflection to let him know that I'm onto where he's going with all this. "And would you care to tell the class what that might be?" Jack asks. Well, go figure. The way Jack and I are bantering back and forth I feel like I'm emulating Daniel in the infamous 'Jack and Daniel' show. "Why sure," I begin, it's..." Before I can finish, my voice is drowned out by the sound of metallic marching and what I'm pretty certain is the Stargate dialing. I shut my mouth in fascination as Jack motions for me to listen. "Wait for it," he murmurs. "Jaffa !" a voice booms over the loudspeakers, "Kree!" All color drains from my face as the sound of the metallic marching stops. Oh my gosh!… "Shel-norak!" the voice shouts again. "You know, I don't think we will," a recorded Jack O'Neill says. Even under fire, Jack is completely irreverent. "Shel na kree!" the angry voice orders. I hear the sounds of weapons charging. Or what I imagine charging weapons might sound like. "Sorry," the Jack recording says again. "I'm really not so good at following orders from you folks. You can ask any…" There's a discharge of weapon fire that causes Jack to shut up and all of us to flinch. Immediately afterwards, you can hear the Stargate come to life. "Sending authorization code now," a female voice says. That must be Sam. We don't hear anything more from SG-1, but I imagine they're busy giving some of those funky military hand signals to one another. "Everyone through!" Jack suddenly orders in a loud voice. "Carter, Teal'c, Daniel – go!" More weapons fire. The noise is so loud! I can only image the scene as it might have appeared to Jack and his team. It sure sounded to me like there were dozens of those bad Jaffa guys firing. "A kek hasshak. Ya duru!!" The lead Jaffa yells in uncontrolled anger. Wow, I might not know what the means, but I can recognize expletives when I hear them. "A kek…" Abruptly the words are cut off as the wormhole disengages and we are met with complete silence. I now understand how silence can be deafening. Whoa. "And that, boys and girls is Goa'uld 101." Dr. Roget tried to bring the class back to order after Jack left, but it was pretty useless. I know I wasn't paying much attention – I was too busy coming to terms with the knowledge of what 'Kree' means in Goa'uld. Damn. I'm going to need a new nickname. Classes ended early and I found myself meandering towards the cafeteria. Jack must have implanted some subliminal message or something – I just can't get the image of cake out of my mind! My mouth waters as I picture a thick slice of homemade chocolate cake. Unfortunately, they don't have any cake, but they do have pie.Luckily, it's blackberry pie (my favorite) and vanilla ice cream. Yum! I take my pie and look around for a place to sit. I don't particularly feel like sitting with the other 'students' (I'm starting to get funny looks from them as it's pretty obvious now that Jack and I know one another), but then again, I'm not up to being the 'fingie' and sitting with someone I don't know either. My face breaks out into a grin as I recognize someone. "Hi, Teal'c," I say standing in front of my pancake-eating friend. "Do you mind if I sit here?" "Not at all, KiraMeyers," Teal'c replies cordially with a nod. I sit down next to him and try not to stare at the enormous pile of food in front of him. "How are you enjoying your new employment?" Teal'c asks. "There's a lot to take in," I admit. "O'Neill gave his language lesson today, did he not?" I nod. "It normally is not taught in such a manner; O'Neill wanted to do something special for you." "For me?" I manage to squeak out. "Indeed," Teal'c confirms. "Ever since that day several years ago when we met in the Park, O'Neill has longed to inform you of what 'Kree!' means in the language of the Goa'uld." Wow. Jack's been planning this for that long? Scary. I'm trying to think of how I should answer that when I hear someone ask Teal'c a question. "Would it be all right to sit with you friend Teal'c?" I look up and see an earnest looking man with rather long sideburns and a full tray of assorted fruits. He appears to be in his late twenties and is wearing one of those ubiquitous white lab coats. I'm guessing he must be one of the 60 or so scientists I have yet to meet. "Of course," Teal'c replies with a nod. He motions for the scientist to sit and the two of us look at each other sheepishly. "KiraMeyers, I would like you to meet my good friend Nyan. Nyan not only saved my life, but he too was a friend of DanielJackson." Nyan blushes at the praise. From what I have learned, nearly everyone on the base was a friend of Daniel's, but I smile and hold out my hand. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Nyan." He shakes my hand and looks at me somewhat anxiously. "You're the one who gave Daniel all his coffee," Nyan says matter-of-factly, as he sits down and begins cutting the grapes in his fruit salad. Cutting grapes? "That, I am," I reply. "I enjoyed it," Nyan states, giving me a little nod. "If I supply you with some currency, might you bring me some more?" "Um, sure," I reply. Currency? "You'll have to tell me what kind though." Nyan frowns. "The kind Daniel drank, of course," he replies, making another dainty cut to a strawberry. Nyan must be one of the eccentric scientists. All three of us eat in silence for several moments before another person joins us. "Teal'c! Nyan! Young woman I have yet to meet!" He stares at me for a moment and then snaps his fingers and gives me a large smile. "You must be Kira Meyers," he says holding out his hand. "It's a pleasure to meet you." He gives my arm a good shake. "You too..?" "Jonas. Jonas Quinn." Unlike Nyan who seems a little uncomfortable, Jonas is nearly bouncing with energy and just plain good naturedness. Even though I have just met the guy, I decide to kid him a little. "Nice to meet you as well, Jonas. Jonas Quinn." I smile and try not to stare. Jonas Quinn is rather easy on the eyes. "You've been hanging around Teal'c!" he laughs, as he picks up an orange and begins to peel it. I'm relieved to see that he's doing it like a normal person. Nyan's fruit cutting is starting to make me a little nervous. "I'm guessing it'll be months before I'm allowed to go through the Stargate, so I do admit to talking to Teal'c as much as possible." I pause and take a bite of my pie. "After all, he's the only alien I've ever met!" Three pairs of eyes swivel in my direction and stare at me in silence. Seconds tick by. I drop my spoon as my eyes become the size of saucers. If I have a panic attack now, I'll never forgive myself. "No way!" I blurt out loud. Jonas nods, looking pleased as punch. "You seem to be sitting with three of the SGC 's resident aliens Ms. Meyers." "But..," I sputter. "You're human!" Jonas shakes his head no. "Sorry, we just look human – although I've been told that there is a very real possibility that our peoples were brought to our various planets through the Stargate on Earth. Nyan is from the continent Bedrosia, and I'm from a country called Kelowna - I don't think you'll find either of those places in any of your maps." Jonas takes a bite of his own pie, not at all concerned at how crazy this all sounds to me. "Wow! This is really good! What is it?" "Blackberry pie," I reply, glad to have something to say. I'm sitting with three honest to goodness aliens! Holy crap! "You have the best food, on this planet!" Jonas says heartily, mouth still full of pie. "You've been to other planets as well?" I ask. "No," Jonas admits. "Well, not besides my own and Earth. But I hope to, soon." "I've been off world dozens of times," Nyan adds. "But am looking forward to accompanying SG-11 on their next mission sometime in the next seven cycles." "Days," Jonas corrects absently as he takes another bite of ice cream and smiles. "I Love this frozen milk!" "Ice cream," Teal'c replies. "What do you do?" I ask Nyan, trying to not stare at Jonas and all the pleasure he is deriving out of everyday food. "I am an archaeologist," Nyan replies. "You must have worked with Daniel," I remark. Nyan nods and looks sad. I know the feeling, Nyan. "And you, Jonas? What do you do?" "I was a scientist on my planet, but here…" his voice trails off and for the first time since I've met him, he looks a little lost. "So far, I'm reading a lot about your history and culture." "There's a lot to learn!" I reply. Jonas shrugs good naturedly and doesn't look worried. Ha! As if anyone can learn everything about Earth culture in one lifetime. All too soon, I finish my pie and grudgingly stand up to leave. "It was wonderful meeting you all," I say sincerely, giving both Jonas The Talkative, and Nyan The Shy a big smile. "I hope to have a chance to talk with all three of you again, soon." "Anytime!" Jonas replies, smiling as he steals a piece of turkey off of Teal'c's plate. Teal'c raises an eyebrow in disapproval. "Sorry, Teal'c," Jonas apologies, "I couldn't resist." "In the future, you should well try, JonasQuinn. The food counter is not a far distance." I walk away as I hear Jonas apologize again, and ask both Teal'c and Nyan what their favorite Earth dishes are. I smile to myself as I head down the hall. Forget E.T. - I've met my Klingons! Author's Note: Okay, so there are loads of references to all sorts of things in this one, including my rather cheeky inclusion of Dr. Roget (I got that from my handy thesaurus). And yes, I intentionally had Kira get a few things wrong. Now, won't it be more fun when she finds out what is true and w hat isn't? This is a PG-rated story, so I'm not going to give you the actual definition of 'fingie' (aka - FNG) – just know that it IS military slang, and not necessarily polite. Yes, the ending is a little contrived, but didn't it just make you smile? Sometimes, I just can't help myself. Loads of people deserve thanks on this one: Betsy, Cassandra, Charlotte, Clare, Julia, Maab, Misi, Sharyn and Susan. Also thanks to Arduinna's Stargate SG-1 Handbook for Goa'uld language tips and Gateworld's Omnipedia for help on character traits and history. For all those who didn't instantly remember (like myself!), Nyan was the young man who stayed with Teal'c when he was blinded in episode 319 - New Ground. At the end of the episode, Daniel invites him back to Earth to be his research assistant. I have many of those folks from above to thank for that little gem! I promise to flesh him out in the future. The Goa'uld defined (from Arduinna's site): kree - " attention" , " listen up" , " concentrate" ... " Yoo-hoo"
And the English defined: Pigs in a blanket - Where I come from (Western United States) this involves sausage and pancakes.
Next story should be all about Daniel! ;) Written April 3, 2006 Home |Series Home | Previous Chapter | Next Chapter |