Title: The Assistant 09 - Infirmary
Author: dietcokechic
Email: dietcokechic@hotmail.com
Season: 6
Related Episode(s): Assistant 8, 606 - Abyss
Summary: Kira's trip and subsequent stay in the infirmary doesn't go exactly as planned.

Author's ramblings: Excuses for my four-month lateness detailed after the story. Without further ado, I bring you the next installment of The Assistant.

Previously on the Assistant:

"Um, guys?" Kira interjected uncertainly. As much as she enjoyed listening the two of them argue, there was something she probably should let them know. "Actually, sharing the infirmary with Jack might be something of a problem." Kira was thinking about Dr. Drexel and that darn SGC rumor. As if she didn't have enough to deal with. So now, in addition to a pounding headache and a wrist that was rapidly becoming the size of a Big Mac, Kira now had to deal with terminal embarrassment. She had no idea how she was going to explain any of this.

"I don't snore that bad," Jack insisted. If Kira could have shaken her head back and forth, she would have.

"It's not that," Kira explained. "Um, you see..." She stumbled to find the right words. Faintly, Kira could hear the sounds of an approaching ambulance; she didn't have a lot of time. "It all started when Daniel broke a light bulb in the base library..."

Jack and Daniel were making a valiant effort to keep their voices low in deference to my aching head; however the new arrivals were most certainly not.

Dr. Fraiser's voice is the first one I hear. "Colonel O'Neill? Are you in here?" Not only is her voice painfully loud, but she didn't come alone. The front door bangs open, and I hear the footfalls of several people as they briskly walk (pound) across the threshold. Usually I love old houses and wooden floors, but what I wouldn't give for thick pile carpet about now!

"Jack?" I whisper, trying to project my voice above the din of the approaching medical personnel. Jack looks down at me in concern and squeezes my hand. "Two words." I attempt to wet my lips, but my tongue feels bone dry. Jack looks at me expectantly as I continue. "Area rugs." I'm truly not trying to be flippant, it's just that thinking about carpets or rugs, is really helping to take my mind off both my head and hand. That is until I remember the rather unnatural state of my wrist. I make the mistake of glancing down at the purple swollen monstrosity by my side and grimace. Naturally, the grimace makes my head hurt even more. I struggle not to cry in both pain and embarrassment. What kind of idiot gets knocked out in a friend's kitchen?!

"We're in the kitchen!" Jack answers. I know he was trying to yell ‘quietly', but it still resonates uncomfortably loud in my ears. I must have moaned aloud, because the next thing I know, I feel Jack touching my shoulder in apology. "Sorry Kira."

"Forget area rugs," I mutter, eyes still firmly shut. "I'd kill for a set of ear plugs right now."

"It'll be over soon," Jack assures me. He reaches down and squeezes my good hand.

"Just tell everyone to whisper," I ask, my voice cracking slightly as the pounding footsteps get closer. I close my eyes even tighter and choke back a sob. God, this hurts.

"Colonel O'Neill?" That's Janet's voice.

"Shhh, not so loud," Jack says quietly. I'm sure if I could open my eyes, I'd be looking up at the worried brown eyes of one Dr. Janet Fraiser.

"I was actually on my way out the door when your call came in," Janet explains and she lifts my wrist (the good one) to take my pulse. She tries to sound all matter-of-fact like, but it seems to me as if she is a bit embarrassed.

"You were coming to check on me," Jack answers darkly. Janet sighs.

"Yes Colonel, I was coming to check on you." There is another pause, and I imagine Jack giving Janet the evil eye. "And it seems for good reason," Janet continues. Before Jack can answer, she changes tactics. "Kira, honey, how are you feeling?" Her voice is quiet and soothing. I can feel her cool hands lightly touching my neck and shoulders.

"Everything is too loud," I whisper. "Can people die from headaches?" I'm actually quite serious. The way I'm feeling right now, I think I might prefer death.

"I know it hurts honey, and I'll give you something to help in just one moment…" her voice trails off. "Lieutenant?" So much for my powers of observation – I had no idea there was another officer in the room with Jack and Janet.

"No recorded allergies, ma'am."

"Kira, does this sound right?" Dr. Fraiser asks me. "Do you know if you're allergic to asprin, codeine or any other medication?" I shake my head without thinking, and cry out as the movement sends what feels like daggers into my skull. I'm now crying and wondering what the hell I'm doing lying on Jack's floor with what feels like a broken skull and wrist, and I can't help but wonder if it would hurt this much if my brain had leaked out the cracks. I wince at the imagery. Great.

I don't hear the exchange between Janet and her nurse, but a moment later I feel a cool wetness on my arm, followed by the briefest of pinches. Within seconds, the pain begins to ebb. At first it's subtle, but then it becomes stronger – almost like that sensation you feel right before drifting off to sleep - when your body becomes super heavy and you nearly melt into your mattress in nocturnal bliss. I feel my face muscles completely relax, along with pretty much every other part of my body.

"Thank you." My voice sounds funny - as if I'm talking with a mouthful of helium after drinking several shots of vodka. "All better now." I meant for that to come out as a question, but I couldn't quite make my voice rise in inflection. I try again. "Where are you taking me?" This time, I'm certain it sounded like a question.

"You're going to be just fine, Kira," Dr. Fraiser explains, patting my hand. Is it just me, or does Janet sound like she just entered a wind tunnel? "We're taking you to C.S. General." Not the SGC ? I'm trying to formulate another question when I'm suddenly picked up and transferred to a stretcher. Without warning, I begin to retch.

I remember Janet shouting for someone to support my head and I remember hearing myself cry out, but within moments I'm given another shot of something or other.

I don't remember much after that second shot.

"SGCDEFG…" Kira began to sing, substituting 'ABC' with 'SGC'..

"At least she stopped vomiting," Jack began, trying to look on the bright side. "If only she'd come up with another verse…" He listened patiently as she ended the song and began yet another round of the SGC ABCs. He rubbed a hand tiredly across his face. "She just won't shut up will she?"

"It must be a reaction to the combination of the Morphine and the anti-nausea medication," Janet replied taking hold of Kira's wrist. She looked at Jack with worried eyes. "Colonel, I really don't like the way her heart is racing."

"I like racing," Kira announced blithely. "Everyone thinks I'm this meek little careful driver, but I'd kill to drive just a couple laps in the Indy 500!" She made ‘vroom vroom' noises and sighed happily. Jack and Janet exchanged glances. Kira opened her eyes and attempted to focus on Jack, but became frustrated at the dual (and dueling) images of the Colonel. "Would you quit that!" Kira insisted, as she pawed at the empty air to Jack's left.

"Oh boy," Dr. Fraiser muttered under her breath.

"At least she's comfortable," Jack conceded awkwardly. Kira lolled her head drunkenly towards Jack's voice. "How about you, Jack?" Kira asked cheerfully, her thoughts still firmly on race cars. "Do you like racing?" She nodded to herself before anyone could answer. "I'll bet you'd kick ass driving alien hover cars!" Jack grimaced. Alien hover car? Clearly, Kira read way too much science fiction.

"Dr. Fraysher!" Kira began excitedly, as a thought crossed her mind. "Did y'know that ascended beings are actually just big blobs of energy?" Kira nodded and smiled in memory. "Daniel told me." She frowned in concentration. "I wonder if they ever use alien hover cars…?" Kira's brow wrinkled as she contemplated the notion. Suddenly a huge smile appeared on her face as she shook her head back and forth. "Nope! No alien cars," she began. "They don't need them as they're just big balls of energy!" She giggled again. " Naked energy!" The giggle began to give way to blushing, and Jack was pretty certain she wasn't thinking entirely PG thoughts at the moment. In spite of himself, the corner of his lips curled into a smile. Oh how he hoped Daniel was listening to this!

Slightly above, and to Jack's right, an incorporeal Daniel Jackson listened to Kira's ramblings and blushed. Or at least it would have appeared as a blush had he been in human form. He knew Jack was laughing at his misery, which somehow made it all the worse. At least Jack couldn't see him, which was at least a small consolation. Daniel knew Kira was in good hands, but he wasn't going to leave until he was certain everything was going to be fine. Perhaps if he hadn't been so concerned over Ascension Protocol last time, he would have remained near Jack's side and been able to help. Or maybe that was the point? Maybe he really wasn't supposed to help at all anymore. Daniel really didn't think he could do that. All he knew was that this time, he was staying put. Naked energy and all.

"Definitely an adverse reaction," Janet announced, as she shined a small penlight into Kira's eyes.

"No, really?" Jack deadpanned. Janet just shook her head before turning her attention back to Kira. She watched as the light caused Kira's pupils to sluggishly expand to twice their normal size. Eyes that were normally clear and green were now hazy and unfocused – definitely not good.

"Naked omnipotent ascended energy!" Kira said again, with a girlish laugh.

"Oh boy."

As much as Jack was enjoying what he knew must be Daniel's extreme embarrassment (wherever he might be), Jack was too much of a military man not to realize that this was actually a problem. "Janet, we can't bring Kira to a public hospital in this condition," Jack said seriously.

"In public!" Kira giggled. A shadow crossed her face as she considered something new. "Jack! If a tree falls in the woods and there's no one else to hear it, does it really make any noise?" Before Jack could answer, Kira continued. "And if Daniel floats around the galaxy naked, but there aren't any humans around to see him, is he really naked?" Janet closed her eyes and let out a small sigh. Jack tilted his eyes upward and grinned.

"Lieutenant Harris?" Janet called up to the driver.

"Ma'am?"

"I need you to change directions," Janet explained. "We need to take Ms. Meyers here back to the SGC."

At first I thought I was hearing voices in my head, but then I realized they actually belonged to other people. I still didn't like the fact that my head felt like it was stuffed with cotton balls, but I'll take fluffy white cotton balls to big steel spikes any day.

"Well look who's waking up." I don't even need to open my eyes to know that voice.

"Hi, Jack." My mouth is dry, but at least it doesn't hurt to talk.

"Feel better?" I nod carefully, but refrain from opening my eyes. I wasn't so keen to see the return of those spikes.

"Where am I?"

"You don't remember?" Jack asks. I can hear the humor in his voice and instantly become worried.

"No."

"Well, let's just say you shouldn't quit your day job and try out for a part on Broadway." Oh Lord, what did I do?

"Do I really want to know?" I ask, knowing the answer was most assuredly 'no'."

"Oh probably not," Jack replies cheerfully. "But seeing as how half the base heard you recite your ‘SGC ABCs', you might want to hear a few of the details."

"Shoot me now," I moan, trying to sink into my bed sheets. Unconsciously, I lick my dry lips.

"You feel up to some ice chips?" Jack asks. "Cool, refreshing and yes, I do believe they are even filtered." I smile and nod gratefully. Jack holds up a little cup full of ice and shakes it provocatively. Carefully, I pry my eyes open. No pain! Smiling, I reach out for the cup of ice, only to discover that my left arm has completely turned to lead. I glance down to see why. There, lying against a crisp and clean white infirmary sheet, is a clean white infirmary cast. Wow. My first cast! I wiggle the purple-looking fingertips experimentally.

"All present and accounted for," Jack informs me.

"Is this normal?" I ask, holding up my rather puffy-looking hand.

"You've never broken a bone before?" Jack asks, sounding both shocked and impressed at the same time. I shake my head carefully no.

"Piece of cake," Jack assures me, as he pulls up a chair and takes a seat beside me. Behind Jack I can see a guard standing by the doorway. Jack tracks my eye movement and shrugs. "It's just a precaution." He leaves the rest unsaid and motions back towards my wrist.

"What you have missy, is a simple fracture of the radius."

"It doesn't look simple," I reply darkly. I can't help but focus on the swelling of my hand and fingers. I mean, how can purple fingers be the result of a "simple" fracture?

"Trust me, it's simple," Jack says. He rolls up his sleeve and holds out his own arm, pointing at the bones near his wrist. "Your lower arm is actually made up of two bones." He turns his wrist over and runs his fingers over the bone closest to his thumb. "This is the radius, and it's the larger of the two bones in your arm."

"What's the other one called?"

"Ulna." I don't see any sign of either radius or ulna written down, so I guess this means Jack actually knows his bones. "You broke, in one place, the larger radius bone."

"What's this here?" I ask pointing at two small lumps on the side of his arm. Jack glances down as if he didn't know they were there.

"Ah, those." He doesn't say anything for a few moments, and I wonder if I should change the subject. "Remember how I said you had a simple fracture?" I nod. "Well, these guys here are the result of comminuted fracture."

"Committed?" Jack laughs and shakes his head.

"No, commin-uted. It's the opposite of simple."

"So why don't they call it complex?"

"Because if we used words everyone understood, we might go out of business." Dr. Fraiser!

"Hey Doc," Jack says casually, lifting his arm away from me and rolling his sleeve back down. "Just telling Kira she shouldn't worry about her injury." Janet gives me a smile as she picks up my chart.

"He's right about that. How are you feeling?"

"Um, does horribly embarrassed count?" I sink back in my bed with a sigh. I look up at Dr. Fraiser hopefully. "Unless Jack was pulling my leg…" Dr. Fraiser smiles and shakes her head.

"Afraid not."

"Darn." Janet pats my hand (the good one) sympathetically. "Don't worry Kira. I know for a fact that at least four SG teams were off-world when we brought you in."

"And a whole bunch of geeks were over at Area 51 on some sort of field trip." My eyes widen. That means its tomorrow. I lost an entire day! I mentally cross my fingers in hopes that it has been only one day. If I've been out for longer than that, I'm going to have to come up with some pretty exotic (lie) reason at to where I've been. On the plus side, at least I didn't miss out on going to Area 51. My group isn't scheduled to go until next month.

"So not everyone heard my horrible singing?" Dr. Fraiser shakes her head and gives me a reassuring smile.

"No, not everyone, honey."

"Not yet," Jack mumbled.

Jack sat in the dark watching Kira sleep. She had wanted to go home, but Janet had done her usual bang-up job of convincing the injured woman to stay. Not that Jack was under any illusions that Kira had had a choice in the matter. Janet was always conservative when it came to head injuries, but Kira thought she had a choice, and that's all that really matters.

"Should you really be here, Jack?" Daniel whispered, appearing out of nowhere.

"I could ask the same of you," Jack whispered back, glancing briefly to his side to see if Daniel was actually there.

"Touché." In spite of himself, Jack smiled. God, he had missed Daniel.

"Is she really going to be all right?" Daniel asked.

"Weren't you the one telling me she would be fine?" Jack countered.

"Well yes, but that was when I was trying to prevent you from panicking."

"I was not panicking," Jack answered hotly. Daniel gave him a look.

"No, you're right, Jack. You handled the accidental whalloping of a friend with a frying pan with perfect poise and aplomb."

"Daniel," Jack hissed between his teeth, "when the heck did you become so sarcastic?" Daniel shrugged.

"It just happened."

"You're really not the same guy I first met six years ago, are you?" The question was rhetorical, but Daniel still answered.

"I stopped being that guy shortly after my wife died, Jack," Daniel said quietly. Several dozen difficult missions hardened me, made me a stronger person."

"I missed the old Daniel who needed me."

"I'm still here, Jack." Jack chuckled softly.

"Well, maybe with a little more physical substance…" Daniel began. "You're my best friend, Jack. I'll always need you."

"You know I'd hug you if you were real, right?"

"I am real, Jack." Daniel held up a hand to prevent Jack's impending interruption. "I know what you mean. I would, too." They sat in comfortable silence for several long moments.

"How long are you staying?" Jack asked. He tried to sound casual, but he knew his friend would see right through him.

"I'll stay until both Kira and you are back home."

"Kira goes home tomorrow."

"And you?" Jack shrugged. "I need to stay until Fraiser and the Shrink of the Month say otherwise."

"Are you okay with that?" Jack turned at looked Daniel in the eye.

"Yeah, I actually am." Jack gestured towards Kira. "I don't want anything like this to happen again."

"It won't," Daniel assured him.

"And how do you know?" Daniel smiled

"I am omnipotent ascended energy you know," Daniel replied, quoting what Kira had said in the ambulance.

"You forgot naked," Jack added.

In her sleep, Kira giggled.

I had just finished getting dressed and was attempting to tie a shoe with one hand, when I hear a funny sound behind me.

"Knock knock." I raise an eyebrow and shake my head in disbelief.

"You're knocking on a bedpan, Jack."

"It's clean," Jack insists. He then makes a face and carefully sets it back down. "I think…"Shoving his hands in his pockets, he strides over to where I'm attempting to tie my shoes.

"Velcro," Jack says sagely as he lightly bats my hands away and ties my shoes for me. "Look into getting something with Velcro."

"I'm thinking clogs," I say.

"Not really an option for a macho military man," Jack replies, indicating himself. "But I think you'll be able to pull it off." He finishes the shoe and stands up. I hear both his knees angrily pop in protest.

"Kira, see what you can do about finding a cure for old age," Jack sighs as he pulls up a chair and plops down into it. I giggle.

"I'll see what I can do." I'm about to ask Jack how he's doing when I hear a very intentional ‘ahem' at the door. I turn to see who it is and instantly pale.

"Dr. Drexell." Oh God! How long has he been standing there?!

"Ms. Meyers," Drexell answers formally. "Colonel O'Neill." He acknowledges Jack with a nod. Jack continues to sit casually in his chair. Seconds pass. I'm beginning to get panicky. I did tell Jack about Drexell, didn't I?

"So what brings you to our little infirmary, Dr. Drixell?"

"Drexell," Ryan corrects curtly. "I was coming to check on Ms. Meyers. I had heard she had been in an accident."

"Why?" Jack asks slowly. I resist the urge to slap my hand to my head as I'd probably knock myself out. Jack! For God's sake, don't antagonize the man.

"Ms. Meyers is a colleague," Ryan answers stiffly. "I was just making sure she was okay."

"So this had nothing to do with the rumors." Okay. Guess I can stop worrying about Jack not knowing.

Of course, now I'm worried by what Jack's going to do. He slowly stands up to his full height, a good five or so inches taller than Ryan, and stands there looking quite military and menacing. He might be dressed in baggy blue trousers and a loose military shirt, but Jack can intimidate nearly anyone. Problem is, I really don't think now is the time for intimidating.

"Rumors?" Ryan sputters, taking a step back. "What rumors?" I look frantically around the room for a place to hide. Where are my incredible powers of invisibility when I need them?!

"You know," Jack insists, taking a step closer to Ryan. "Those unsubstantiated rumors about Kira and a senior officer on base." He takes another step.

"Se-enior officer?" Ryan asks. If I weren't completely mortified, I think I'd take a little bit of pleasure from all his discomfort. But as it is, I'm going for mortification. Jack?! What are you doing?

"You do understand Dr. Drixell, that we here at the SGC frown upon uncorroborated rumors (Ha!) and inappropriate fraternization." Ryan looks confused. Is Jack agreeing with him?

"Ru-umors can be dangerous," Ryan says.

"Absolutely," Jack agrees with a nod. "And same goes for fraternization."

"So you agree with me?" Ryan is in complete shock.

"Yep," Jack says with a nod. "Fraternization is against policy and bad for morale. In fact, I was just telling Kira the same thing." You were?  

"You were?" Ryan looks relieved. "Er… okay then." He pauses as he takes in me on the hospital bed, and Jack standing casually by my side. "So there's nothing to worry about?"

"Not a thing!" Jack says jovially as he motions Ryan out.

"I can't tell you how relieved I am!" Ryan says. Relieved? Why should he be relieved? "Thank you Colonel O'Neill." Ryan reaches out and gives Jack's arm a quick shake. Jack doesn't look like he particularly relishes the contact.

Ryan is nearly to the door, when Jack snaps his fingers. "Ah there is one thing though," Jack begins. "Well, two actually." Ryan looks at him expectantly.

"Yes?"

"Well, you see, the thing about military fraternization rules… well, they really only apply to those in the military." Jack gives Ryan a small shrug and I can see that he is seriously enjoying himself. Ryan on the other hand, looks like he just ate a whole lemon.

"And the rumors?" Ryan asks hoarsely.

"As you might have heard," Jack says mischievously, "I have actually been away these last few weeks, so I'm not really up to date on the SGC rumor mill." He pauses to see if Dr. Drexell will say anything, but Ryan remains silent. Jack looks disappointed. "But," Jack continues as he casually maneuvers Ryan closer and closer to the hallway. "There is one thing I can say about rumors."

"What's that?" Both Ryan and I are almost holding our breaths in anticipation, albeit for different reasons. Jack gives us both a slow smile.

"I like 'em."

Author's Note: So, for all those interested, here are the reasons this took FOUR months to complete: sold a condo, bought a house, moved into said house, repaired said house, made money to pay for said house (work), and last but not least, more home repairs! I just want you to know that I have not forgotten about Kira and will do everything I can to continue writing her story until at least Daniel comes home (season 7). Hopefully longer, but I'll need a hefty new dose of inspiration from Muse (and you!) before I endeavor to write another full season. No one panic! I haven't said I'm stopping, I'm just... fielding a trial balloon! [g]

Oh! And if you enjoyed the notion of Kira's singing the SGC ABC's, check out IDMike's fantastic lyrics (I love my readers!!)- there's even music (it's from an SCA (?) song called The FIghter's ABCs). Thank's Meliss..er, I mean IDMike! ;p (Problems opening? Try here)

And to show how much I adore all you guys, here's a little sneak peek at the next story!

Next on the Assistant… 

I might be pretty good at running numbers, but that doesn't mean I always like it. At least this is my last register to reconcile. I open up an envelope containing yesterday's receipts and do my best not to sigh. Sometimes being the General Manager of a coffee shop blows. I chuckle softly to myself. But there are days…

"Hey Stefan, some guy out front is asking for you."

"Moi?" I ask, looking interested. I'm not scheduled to be on the floor today, and all the baristas know it.

"Not something Laurie can handle?" Laurie's the new Assistant Manager. She's absolutely nothing like Kira (the poor girl is so literal) Still, it's probably for the best. If I had hired a Kira-clone, this would have just made me miss my dear Kree all the more.

"The guy is pretty insistent. He wants you, Stefan." Wants? Is he cute? I raise my eyebrows in question and lean back in my chair in at attempt to get a peek.

"Which one?"

"He's the average-looking guy with sandy blonde hair," Jess whispers, pointing in the general vicinity of the second register. I wrinkle my nose. So not cute!  

"You mean the one slapping a pair of hideous leather gloves against his palm?"

"That's him," Jess replies.

"And you're sure he wants me?" I'm not trying to shirk my duties here, but let's be honest – the guy didn't look all that happy, plus he was in desperate need of some serious exfoliation.

"He was pretty adamant." I sighed.

"Let's get this over with." I stand up and take a moment to lock things up. It isn't that I don't trust the employees; it's just that…well okay. So I don't trust all the employees. Besides, anyone could walk into the back room and heaven knows I don't trust even half of my customers! I run my fingers through my hair and put on my best smile as I follow Jess out to the floor.

"Sir?" Hideous leather man turns around.

"Yes?" The man replies. In person, the guy looks even more boorish. How the heck does he know me? "Are you the Manager?" He seems disappointed. As if I wasn't quite what he was expecting. Well, no offense bub, but you're really in no position to talk. Have you even considered teeth whitening?

"That I am," I reply courteously. It took 18 months of schooling and nearly $20,000 in school loans, but I have learned how to be courteous. "May I help you Mr…?"

"Drexell," the man replies. He gives me a humorless smile. "Dr. Ryan Drexell."

More Author's Note: I do hope you enjoyed this Flashback continuation! I hadn't actually intended to do an immediate continuation after I wrote the last chapter…but it was kind of requested. Umm…by pretty much everyone! [g] I wanted to go back to Kira's 1 st person voice, but realized there were some things I wouldn't be able to do if it was entirely in Kira's POV, so…I took artistic liberties and included two different POV (Kira's and a generic third person narrative). Hopefully, it's not too confusing! Please let me know what you think. I've been out of the fanfiction loop for soooo long, and am worried I might have lost my touch! ;o

As always, thank you to Julia aka tejas, winner of this year's Overall Best Gen Story (Footprints) in the 2006 Stargate Fan Awards. It might be a short drabble, but it's POWERFUL. Go read! Additional thanks to Diane and Clarissa! Information on broken bones can be found here: http://www.davidlnelson.md/Wrist_Fracture.htm. Oh! And if you haven't already, please take my little poll. I'm curious as to the average age of my readers! Thanks!

Written November 5, 2006